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A Saucerful of Sucrets

The Pink Floyd Oddity

by Knickerless Schaffner

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PROLOGUE

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A long, long time ago, back when a trip to the movies only cost a nickel,

and industry had some leadership, and the people of this country had some

concept of something called a "work ethic", there was a decade called the

Forties.а And during this particular decade there were five rather

unspectacular births, those of five seemingly unspectacular baby boys, who

would eventually go on to consume vast amounts of drugs and alcohol, fly

airplanes, race cars, and make some rather remarkable record albums along

the way.а This is their story.

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Chapter 1: THE BIG BONG THEORY

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In late 1965, four London students (Roger "Syd" Barrett, George "Roger"

Waters, Rick "George" Wright, and Nick "Spacement" Monitor) fashioned

themselves into a band and began performing concerts under the name "The

Pink Floyd Sound".а This slightly odd name was stolen from a pair of

American bluesmen, the infamous Alaska bluesman Mr. Pink Floyd Sound and

Mr. The.а The name was a result of Barrett's bandmates vetoing a long string

of his original ideas:а The Beatles, The Sex Pistols, The Sex Beatles, The

Beatle Pistols, Pistols, Beatlemania, Herbie the Beatle Bug, Herbie the Love

Bug, Capt. Herbie The Love Boat, WHAM!, Syd and the Pistolettes, and The

Lavender Lloyd Sound.

These early performances were concerts in name only, due mostly to the fact

that at this early stage in their careers all four band members possessed a

profound inability to show up on time, if at all.а Several early shows are

marred only by the fact that the entire band is not present, although

ironically (at least judging from recordings of this era) it was precisely

this phase of their career that saw their unique style coalesce and their

live shows develop most significantly.

To critics and auto mechanics alike, the big question remained: could they

play music?а It is sometimes difficult to tell as most of their shows in

that day consisted of highly inventive and innovative segments of equipment

unpacking, instrument tuning, plugging the right cords into the right

sockets, and making sure everything was set up and turned on.а While it can

be said that they did not play actual tunes at this phase in their career,

their fans loved it all.а Many say this lends credence to the old rumors

that Floyd audiences were so high on the drug-du-jour that anything would

have been a smash with them.а Others say whatever, think what you want to

think.

The band was constantly undergoing personnel changes, and none of the boys

had much idea which instruments would even be _present_ at a particular gig,

let alone who might be expected to play an instrument should said person

actually show up.а With time, the quartet settled into a rut (which proved

beneficial, if only because it established a little much-needed continuity)

in which Syd Barrett would strum violently on a guitar and sing (primarily

because he seemed to have the least knack for forgetting lyrics), Waters

would hold a bass and sulk, Mason would pound away behind a drum kit,

attempting to start and stop at approximately the same time as the rest of

the band, and Wright would tinkle on the organ, which often caused Waters

to curse violently and spit, especially if the bassist was standing

downwind.

As a result, The Pink Floyd Sound was met with a great deal of skepticism by

the mainstream media and auto mechanics of the day, a phenomenon which

continues to present.а (My own auto mechanic only recently commented that he

wondered how the band ever got off the ground, after which he told me that

he thought my entire exhaust system needed an overhaul which would cost me

dearly and take plenty of time, only they couldn't do it right now since

they had several cars ahead of me and could I come back tomorrow... oh say,

9-ish, and he'd see; I rebutted that the band was trying something new and

were inevitably going to encounter some skepticism and how much did he think

that was going to run me because I was short on cash this time of the month;

he shrugged and said if Syd hadn't been so unstable then the band could have

been as big as The Osmonds and that I was looking at around $700, if I was

lucky.)

The Pink Floyd Sound were soon reduced to playing for dolls and stuffed

animals at tea parties hosted by Mason's younger sister.а It was at these

shows that The Floyd (especially Wright) first began aqcuiring a penchant

for the frilly, flowered, not-at-all-gay outfits which they would wear for

several more

years--in the sense, of course, that they would change those clothes over

the period of several years, not in the sense that they wore the _same_

outfits for several years.а That would naturally be disgusting, and only

David Gilmour did that, as well as Roger Waters and Rick Wright.а Nick

probably did too.

Rick Wright commented, "It's not that we don't want to change our clothes or

nuffin', it's just that some bugger's scampered off wif 'em and there ain't

no more 'round.а I s'pose I could nip off 'round the corner to shops and

pick up some more only I'm short a few pence and can't see doin' it.

Besides, my lawn needs to be watered and I have to pull a few weeds."

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Chapter 2:а HEROES FOR GOATS

--------------------------------------------------

Soon, however, the band was in high demand amongst the denizens of the

London Underground, a youth culture which shared the Floyd's love for tacky

clothing, and which misinterpreted their gross musical inadequacies as wild

experimentation.а Despite recent findings which suggest that the only songs

the band ever attempted to perform during this period were "Louie, Louie,"

"The Theme to Bonanza" and "Chopsticks,"аа Pink The Floyd (as the group was

now called) was thus inspired to continue performing long, spaced-out,

not-at-all-gay instrumental jams which apparently sounded much like

conventional music if you were taking as much LSD as their audiences--that

being in the sense of taking as much LSD as the average attendee in the

audience and not as much as the *whole* audience.

Don "Root-canal" Cervix, one of the early roadies for Pink the Floyd

recalled one such "jam" in the March 1968 issue of Rolling Stone: "Yeah, I

think I recall one such 'jam' in the March 1968 issue of Rolling Stone where

they played 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star' over and over and over again for

like... fuck, 3-and-a-half hours straight!а I remember being backstage and

just wanting to claw me own fuckin' eyes out.а It was incredibly bloody

irritating.а I really thought it was unfair to the audience--most of whom

were auto mechanics out on vacation anyway, just trying to have a good time

and then this happens.а I mean, blimey... I'm not even bloody British and

I'm talking like one--that's how badly I was affected by it, mate."

It was also during this period that the band began using complex light

projections in conjunction with its performances.а Peter "Molar" Wynne

Willson, a roommate of Barrett's, devised elaborate banks of lighting,

draped sheets behind the band to serve as a crude screen, and experimented

with a variety of oils, paints, foodstuffs, little bits of cloth, old douche

bags, new douche bags, dead animals, fried chicken, pants, different pants,

severed limbs, stolen credit cards, and carrots which could be mixed

together and projected onto the band.а More often than not, however, Willson

and his girlfriend Susie "Incisor" Gawler-Wright and his other girlfriend

Jenny "Toothache" Spencer would pass out behind the control desk, leaving

the carefully-designed lightshow materials heating under the lights until

the only images projected were random blobs of color.а While the

avant-garde patrons of London's Underground clubs found Willson's visuals

evocative and moving, Roger "Bridge-work" Waters called it, "a load of

bollocks, really. Nothing at all to do with the music.а Just a bit of green

eye shadow and applesauce swirling about.а Not the sort of thing you'd want

to see on a full stomach... and that being not, in the sense of seeing it

literally on a full stomach... er, you know what I mean.а Ahem... did Rick

show up for this gig or is he still watering his lawn?"

But perhaps the most important innovation in the band's history came when

Barrett, during one of his many drug-induced "trips", had the idea to

"write" and "perform" "actual" _songs_.а Though it "seemed" extremely

unconventional "to" the Underground "crowd," the idea caught on, "and" in

1967 the Floyd "had" their first hit single, "Arnold Lawn".а Penned by

Barrett, the song describes the misadventures of a young lawn care

technician, and is loosely based on actual events involving Rick Wright.а As

Waters recounts, "Susie and Peter were sharing a flat with Syd at the time,

and some bugger was always coming 'round at night and clipping the hedge and

pulling weeds and what not.а Anyway, one night there was a bit of a ruckus

outside the window and Syd looked out and saw Rick right there, with a big

weed eater.а He called out and Rick dropped it and ran off.а Later that

week, Susie and Peter popped 'round to Rick's flat and found that Rick had

quite a collection of frilly undies as well. Oh!а Eh... I didn't mean to say

that.а I was talking about his lawn care fetish and not the fact that he

wears women's undergarments... eh... which he doesn't."

Mason adds, "Originally the song went 'Richard Wright/ Liked the tight

panties' and went on from there.а Lucky for him, the BBC--which was run at

that time by extremely conservative, cross-dressing management--took

exception and made us re-do the whole thing so that's where Syd changed it

to all that bollocks about mowing the lawn and such."а The single, which

peaked at number 422 in the UK, was backed by "Candy and a Marijuana

Joint", Barrett's ode to the sweet treats he used to enjoy as a lad in his

Cambridgeshire home.

Following the modest boost in popularity due to the record's success, Pink

The Floyd went about their business becoming the darlings of the Underground

scene.а They played several legendary shows at Underground "happenings",

including the "14-Minute Technicolor Dream" (from which an up-and-coming

Andrew Lloyd Webber would later steal the title of his future theatrical

musical "Joseph and the 14-Minute Technicolor Dream", sparking a resentment

and loathing in the heart of Roger Waters which would remain for minutes)

and "Gays for Mames", at which the Floyd unveiled their next single,

entitled "See Emily Pray".а Upon the single's release, the BBC, Radio London

and the British Society of Auto Mechanics immediately announced boycotts,

assuming that the Floyd had turned its attention from transvestism to

prayer, an equally sordid subject; once

they chose to actually listen to the record, the ban was repealed and the

record shot up the charts to #206 in the UK.а (This prompted a then very

young looking Dick Clark to say, "Pink...who?")а Thus Pink The Floyd became

bona fide pop stars.

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Chapter 3:а POKER AT THE GATES OF DAWN

--------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the Floyd also released their first LP, entitled "Poker at the

Gates of Dawn".аа According to Syd, "The original title of that album was

supposed to be 'Liquor in the Front and Poker at the Gates of Dawn' but

Roger said it was too long and it was a load of bollocks. So I shortened it

a bit. I also beat the shit out of Roger, which made me feel better. Of

course, then I had to take an antacid hit."

Consisting primarily of Barrett-penned pop tunes, the album belies the fact

that Syd's genius was being seriously hampered by the copious amounts of

Pepto Bismol that were being fed to him.а The next single, an annoying

little ditty called "Apples and Other Apples", however, left little doubt

that something was wrong.а Barrett's rapid decline over the next few months

are highly suspect of conspiracy.а Were Barrett's "friends" merely fellow

"peptos" who were paid by the BBC to keep their new pop icon money-man in a

creative stupor long enough to squeeze a few more pounds out of the golden

goose?а Or was a New World Order looking to create a high-profile antacid

casualty who could serve as a patsy for an upcoming plot?а Or, as the

upcoming Oliver Stone film suggests, was Barrett the victim of Nazi nuns

working with autistic mutants from Neptune?а Enquiring minds want to know.

Theories abound, but the only sad truth is that Syd Barrett was soon

incapable of performing onstage, writing new songs, or replacing that

failing clutch in his mum's car.

Despite the theories, one incident towers above all others in the

surprisingly large canon of Floyd legends.а It happened one night, before

one particularly difficult show in New St. Bridgefordshireington-Upon-

the-Marsh at the now demolished FYU club.а Beyond his dressing room, the

crazed crowd hooted and howled for the band to make its entrance.а Syd sat

backstage, oblivious, pondering his own predicament when the absurdly

wonderful idea of smearing an entire bottle of Maalox into his hair came to

him.а When he hit the stage (alone, because the others hadn't quite been

able to make it there that night) the lights over the stage heated the

liquid until it was evaporating into the air.а Many members of the audience

that night who ingested the fumes found that their heartburn, indigestion,

nausea, upset stomach and diarrhea with associated abdominal cramps were

soon soothed by the substance's protective coating action.

After the show, one groupie got Syd's attention long enough to ask if the

"pink" part of Pink The Floyd came from the color of Pepto Bismol which she

thought was "so groovy."а Syd looked aghast and replied flatly, "I'd tell

you only it's none of your bismuth."

Waters, eager to become an influential international rock asshole so he

could take over the world and reign supreme over his minions, wanted Barrett

and his freakish "pepto" friends out of the picture entirely.а To this end,

the band asked Syd's boyhood friend David Gilmour to join the band and pick

up the sizeable slack left by Barrett's increasing dependence on antacids.

Gilmour's own band, Bullshitt, had been unsuccessful in its attempts to show

up on time for any of their own gigs, so Gilmour felt right at home in his

new job.

As a side note, Gilmour's ex-bandmates bore him little or no grudge although

Steven Simpson later commented in the March 1968 Rolling Stone, "No... I

haven't a grudge except that I'd like to rip his fuckin' head off... I'd do

it wif me own hands and then I'd pluck his fingernails off and I'd run his

lifeless body over with a steamroller.а Apart from that, no grudge."а Years

later, to make amends, Gilmour gave drummer John "Willie" Wilson a gig with

the Floyd's "surrogate band" on The Wall tour, while Bullshitt bassist Ricky

Wills was doomed to work with Foreigner, The Osmonds, and Peter Frampton,

(for which he never forgave Gilmour).

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4:а A SAUCERFUL OF SUCRETS

--------------------------------------------------

Over the next few months, Pink The Floyd found themselves being pushed to

record another single.а New manager Steve O'Rourke was repeatedly saying,

"How would you boys like to have another hit song?а It would be so nice," to

which Roger Waters repeatedly replied, "Why don't you go 'round and fuck

yourself, Steve?"а And thus began the band's famous no-singles policy, which

they promptly forgot whenever the cash flow got a little tight.

The group's next foray into the studio resulted in "A Saucerful of Sucrets",

a new LP which promised to uphold the drug-orientated image te band ahd

carefully cultivated over the years.а Two of the tracks would become staples

of the Barrett-less Floyd's live set: "Set the Controls for the Heart of the

Philadelphia", which featured Waters' plagiarism of ancient Chinese poetry

(like Chao Deh Zao Pollywollydoodle Dong Deng Ding Zhaong's "The Princess

and The Dragon in Philadelphia,") and the title track, in which the band

demonstrated on record the kind of noise which had made them famous among

the pepto-crazed auto mechanics of the Underground.

The album's final track, a Barrett composition entitled "Jughead Blues", is

notable for the presence of a Salivation Army band which was brought in and

instructed to play "whatever you like"а The bandleader, unaccustomed to such

artistic freedom and worried that such debauchery might lead to corruption

of his trombone player (a flaky sort who was always reading seditious

newspapers like USA Today) instead chose to sneak out of the studio and

assassinate Robert Kennedy.а The Salivation Army band, whose extreme lack of

musical ability made the still-inexperienced Floyd look like the Boston

Pops, was both out of tune and out of synch.а Syd was fooled into believing

that the band was following his instructions; he thanked them warmly and

sent each band member home with a small sack of chicken wings. And an

observant Roger Waters would hire many of these same musicians to recreate

that cluelessly out-of-tune sound for live performances of the "Atom Head

Mother Suite" in years to come.

For the rest of that year, and a good portion of the next, the band

floundered while searching for direction.а In April of 1969 they began

performances of a crudely-fashioned concept piece entitled "More Furious

Madness from the Massed Gadgets of Auximenes", Auximenes being the name of a

Greek prostitute Waters had met during a recent Mediterranean tour.а The

piece was divided into two halves--"The Man", which portrayed a day in the

life of an average Englishman, and "The Journey",а which consisted of

"Finding My Keys", "Asking Directions pt. 1", "Tollbooths and a Turnabout",

"Asking Directions pt. 2", "The Petrol Station Lavatory", "Asking Directions

Parts pt. 3-5", "Stopping for a Guinness", and so on.а Unfortunately for

current-day Floyd collectors, the work was abandoned after a few

poorly-attended performances and was lost forever.

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 5:а YET ANOTHER FRIGGIN' MOVIE

--------------------------------------------------

1969 also brought about the release of a third studio album, this time the

soundtrack to Barbet Schroeder's depressingly low-budget B film entitled

"S'Mores". Despite the fact that the Floyd spoke nary a lick of the

director's bizarre mix of Japanese, French, and binary, the band was eager

to combine their music with film.

Roger Waters agreed to collaborate with avant-garde composer and social

deviant Ron Geesin on the soundtrack for a fantasy snuff film called _Seven

Dwarfs in Penis-Land_, to be produced by Welch filmaker extraordinaire

Ffylgian Smryllwynnen.а Several tracks were recorded, such as "Lick Your

Partners", "Piddle in Perspex", and the film's title theme, but Waters

blanched when he saw the preliminary cut of the film and demanded that Reel

7 be removed.а When Smryllynnen refused, Waters walked away from the project

for good.

In October the Floyd released "Oogabooga", a double album that was both

their best and worst outing to date.а The live disc included brilliant

renditions of four of their best known numbers, in full-fledged psychedelic

splendor.а The live shows still consisted of spacey noises and cryptic

lyrics whispered over a single chord, as the band was still fairly inept at

putting notes together into an actual melody.а These weaknesses became

frightfully clear on the live disc, in which each member was given half of a

side to fill with solo compositions.а Gilmour took the assignment seriously

and wrote a fairly passable song entitled "The Narrow Way", but Mason was

content to throw tennis balls at his drums for ten minutes and call it

modern art.а Wright, who sat down with a bottle of Scotch and a book of

poetry to write serious modern music, ended up extremely drunk and only

managed to pound his head on the piano a bit.а And while Roger Waters

obviously took the opportunity to write songs more seriously than the

others, his masterpiece, a poignant tribute to his dead father entitled

"Dance of the Soldiers," was sadly deleted by an unknown engineer just

before the album was pressed.а The new cut was mostly some strange

squeakings and gigglings recorded when Gilmour and Mason found a bit of

high-quality hash in a coat closet.а Roger, clearly under the influence of

alcohol and some second-hand smoke, ends the track with some angry ranting.

By 1970 the band was desparate to shed its drugged-up, spaced-out image.

This was the year in which Pink The Floyd officially dropped the "The",

definite articles being all the rage in the Underground scene.а Roger Waters

adopted a new "look": impossibly tight t-shirts and a largish nose which

could be inflated as a stage prop during concerts.а David Gilmour gave up

shampoo for Lent that year, and by Easter several squirrels, a small family

of Cambodian refugees, and a newt had taken up residence in his increasingly

matted, dirty coiffure.а It was at this time when Nick Mason entered his"hat

period", while Rick Wright began accessorizing with a variety of

progressively stranger (and considerably more awkward) gardening tools.

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Chapter 6: A BRUSH (AND FLOSS) WITH DEATH

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When the Floyd released its next album, "Atom Head Mother", it was met with

no critical acclaim whatsoever, largely due to the fact that the band

neglected to put its name on the album cover.а The album's initial lack of

sales were furthered by the cover art, which showed nothing but a cow in a

Lessex field.а Roger Waters had his doubts about the drab imagery, and

according to interviews from the period would have been content to replace

the cover with a photograph of his ego, which at the time was not much

larger than the cow anyway.а Rick Wright reportedly went into quite a state

over the unkempt field itself, and wanted to reshoot the entire thing in his

backyard, perhaps with the band accompanying the cow in evening gowns (that

is, the band, not the cow, would be wearing the dresses--not that this is a

much better image).

And as if the band's artistic and musical problems weren't enough, shortly

after the release of "Atom Head Mother" the band came very close to a

genuine disaster.а At a dinner party during a tour of Southern Europe, The

Who's Roger Daltrey mistook Rick Wright for an overdressed St. Bernard, then

proceeded to blow his nose in Wright's culottes, ruining a perfectly good

suede-handled spade.а Sensing Wright's indignation, Roger Waters handed the

camshaft he was inspecting to Keith Moon and began to bully Daltrey around

the room.а But when Pete Townshend joined the fray, Waters found himself

outnumbered and overpowered.а Distracted and awed by the sheer enormity of

Townshend's nose (which Melody Maker had recently named "one of the five

greatest schnozzolas of post-war England", must to Waters' chagrin), Waters

fell helpless as he was tossed out the window.

Having suffered a sever concussion, Waters slipped into a coma, and was

pronounced braindead at the scene.а Thinking quickly, Gilmour and Mason

carried Roger's lifeless form back upstairs (prompting Gilmour to comment,

"Steve, you puddingheaded jobbernowl, why did you book us into the 10th

bloody floor?а You should be carrying this fat fuck!") and packed him in ice

in the bathtub.а O'Rourke called in the region's foremost authority on

cloning, a Turkish racketeer from Ankara, and in a record-breaking 72-hour

procedure they had cloned Waters' brain from a few skin cells found under

Daltrey's fingernails.а Although over the next few years he would show an

unhealthy fixation on pigs and a speech impediment, Roger Waters was back in

business.

"Muddle", as the Floyd's next album came to be known (due to the fact that

this was its title) was certainly the group's most accomplished and

listenable work yet.а The opening cut was a driving instrumental jam

entitled "One of These Days", and was fondly dedicated by Roger to Pete

Townshend (the original title was "One of These Days I'm Going to Cut Off

That Honker of Yours and Shove It Down Your Throat and Out Your Arse, You

Bloody Crank); live performances of the era featured Roger performing a

variety of unspeakable (though not-at-all gay) acts on a life-size

inflatable Townshend doll, and subsequently the band was banned from

performances in Nebraska and certain conservative rural counties in Alabama.

Other standouts from the album include "San Tropez" and "Seamus", a stirring

pair of lyrical and musical masterworks which deal with the heavily-veiled

themes of loneliness, dismemberment, sado-masochism, and organic herbicides.

Side 2 consisted of a 25-minute piece, aptly entitled "Evita and the Amazing

Technicolor Albatross," which told the story of a disfigured man who lived

in an opera house with 2 dozen cats and uses his talents to help a young

Argentinian woman become an superstar messianic figure.а World-famous

composer and twit Viscount Andrew F. Loyd Webber later recalled, "Muddle, I

didn't much care for that album.а I think I only played the first side of

it, and never even bothered to listen to side 2 at all.а And 4 out of 5

lawyers agree."

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Chapter 7: SONGS FROM THE DANK SIDE

--------------------------------------------------

Clearly inspired by the advances made on "Muddle", Roger Waters, his ego

inflating at heretofore unimaginable rates, decided to take his manhood

firmly in hand and lead the band in a bold new direction.а The result was

"The Dank Side of the Moon", a concept suite dealing with the pressures of

modern life and the various ways in which a young boy could debase himself

if he really wanted to, I mean _really_ put his mind to it.а The Floyd honed

the hour-long piece for months on the road, then they finally decided to

take to the concert halls where the audiences were (resulting in the band

being later for gigs--by several weeks in some cases--than it ever had before).

Yet before "Dank Side" would be committed to record, the Floyd popped into

the studio to record the soundtrack for yet another bad art film, a touching

story about a Scotch-Irish clown entitled "Absurd McCloud".а But the most

important Floydian film of the year was easily "Live and Pompous" a concert

film shot in an empty amphitheater.а The band had sold out the show to be

filmed, but had surprised the audience and camera crews by showing up a full

week early.а They were so early, in fact, that while the roadies set up the

equipment the band went off for a quick drink at a nearby pub, thus

providing additional footage of the group at leisure.а Notable scenes

include Gilmour rooting about under the benches for a wad of chewing gun,

Wright inspecting the pub's ferns and begonias, and giving instructions to

the confused barmaids about proper lighting and chemical fertilizers.а But

perhaps the most telling vignette is in the dressing rooms, as a fastidious

Nick Mason goes about performing his pre-show toilet, and is seen to comment

"I like my toothpaste without the Crest," flashing a devilishly-yellowed grin.

The film also shows the band putting the finishing touches on "Dank Side of

the Moon" in the studio, and it is no surprise that the album was an instant

number one.а From the opening heartbeats, to the mysterious clanking of

Rick's garden hoes, to the haunting final line ("There's no dank side of the

moon, really; matter of fact it's green cheese") the album packs a solid

wallop.а Not surprisingly, one of the most striking aspects of the album is

the use of spoken dialogue, which was specially gathered by the band for use

on the record.а Incidentally, the first voice on the album belongs to Wings'

Paul McCartney, who says, "I've been mad for fucking years, absolutely

years.а Working with bandsaws.. I mean, crikey!а What a bloody load of yonks!"

"Dank Side" went on to be an enormous smash hit, outselling The Carpenters'

Reunion album by a half-dozen, and just narrowly missing the mark set by the

Fine Young Cannibals' debut LP.а In live performances, few shows were better

conceived or more warmly received.а They sold-out venues nearly three-times

faster than The Who's 3rd Farewell Tour, and the midnight concert debut in

New York's Radio City Music Hall set attendance records which went unmatched

until CATS.

----------------------------------------------

Chapter 8:а THE ROADIE SPEAKS

----------------------------------------------

The following interview was first published in the Floyd fanzine "Dain

Bramage" in May 1973:

On the back cover of "Oogabooga" is a picture of the back of the Pink Floyd

amplifiers. Standing arrongantly on a speaker is Skippy Twaddlepot, a Floyd

roadie.а I interviewed Skippy one afternoon during the tour for the Pink

Floyd album "Dank Side of the Moon".

DB: How old are you Skippy?

S: Let me think...

DB: Okay then, what's the official title of your job?

S: Superintendant Managerial Overseer of Big Black Crates

DB: What does that entail?

S: You know those big black crates you always see backstage at rock

concerts? I'm the guy they hire to put them there.

DB: How long have you been doing that?

S: That's a rather personal question, but I will say that I was with a band

called the Greasy Hippies for two years, then i did three years with Teenage

Wetnurse. I started working for Pink Floyd three years ago, during the tour

for _Atom Head Mother_.

DB: What does your job involve?

S: Well... I'm mainly into sound. Of course, what with this being a rock

band of sorts and all, you have to be into sound. You have to be rather fond

of several hundred decibels slamming into your head for hours on end, night

after night... but really, this job is quite a challenge.а Those big black

crates are really rather heavy, and I find it difficult to get them on and

off the trucks. Although the band doesn't actually keep anything in the

crates, the wood they're made of is just really, really heavy. Sometimes it

hurts my fingers, and then I don't like it. Once I hurt my back, and I

started crying. I cried for a long, long time. But when I stopped crying, I

felt better, as though I were somehow... cleansed.

DB: Tell me about the Pink Floyd sound system.

S: Well, Rick always has some keyboards. He usuaully hooks them up to play

through an amplifier. Dave plays his guitar through an amplifier. Nick plays

his drums through an amplifier. And on some songs, Roger plays a bass

through an amplifier. Did you ever see a bass guitar? They're like a guitar,

but they don't have as many strings. Also the strings are bigger and sound

different . It hurts your fingers to play it, too. It really, really, hurts.

DB: What kind of amplifiers do Pink The Floyd use?

S: Oh, electrical ones. They have to. If they didn't use amplifiers, they

would be playing very quietly, and nobody would be able to hear them. Either

that, or the audience would have to stop screaming like fucking maniacs and

pay attention to the music instead.

DB: Pink The Floyd invented septaphonic sound. What is it?

S: Well, at the end of the sixties, other bands were making heavy use of

stereo effects using two speakers. The Floyd thought, "Let's be bigger." So

around the time of _Saucerful of Cigarettes_...

DB: You mean _Saucerful of Sucrets_?

S: Erm... yes. Around that time, they started using seven speakers. First

they called it the Hyperbole Coordinator, but everyone was calling it

septaphonic sound by the time Pink The Floyd were touring for "Muddle". The

idea of septaphonic sound was to *enclose* the audience. We would place two

speakers in front of the audience, and two behind. Then we would put one

speaker above, and one below, actually *within* the floor.

DB: That accounts for the six speakers. What about the seventh?

S: Well, we never did find a use for that one.

DB: So septaphonic sound died out.

S: Right. Besides, how would you wear the headset at home?

DB: What is the P.A. amplification set-up?

S: (shows me a photo)

DB: Wow!

S: And you see that? (Points at something on the photo)

DB: Oh! Isn't that--

S: Yes!

DB: Oh my *God*! That's absolutely *amazing*.

S: I was stunned when I first saw that, too.

DB: Tell me about the airplane stunt on this tour.

S: Well, for the _Dank Side of the Moon_ tour, we're crashing a full-size,

genuine World War II fighter plane into the stage.

DB: Doesn't that present some problems?

S: Well, the pilot always is killed at each show, of course. But it's

carefully written into his contract. We've also lost several roadies, and a

good number of poeple in the audience perish in flames at each concert. But

I think people come to a Pink The Floyd concert expecting something special.

The fiery plane crash is part of the show, and I think that the fans would

expect no less of this band.а The people down front always scream a great

deal.а It's wonderful to get a reaction like that.

DB: How do The Floyd get such a clear sound?

S: Well, it comes mostly from that. (Points at the photo) But it also has to

do with the special Pink Floyd recording setup.

DB: Tell me about the recording setup.

S: Well, to record, we set up the instruments. Then we use microphones. We

set up microphones near each instrument. Then he hook up all the microphones

to a big tape recorder. They've been doing that ever since _Poker At the

Gates of Dawn_.

DB: And that's why Pink Floyd sound the way they do?

S: Yeah.

------------------------------------------------

Chapter 9:а PASS THE PRETZELS

------------------------------------------------

With their new-found rock star status, the Floyd's members finally had the

time and means to pursue non-musical endeavors.а David Gilmour took up

drinking to pass the time, and found that this was an even more rewarding

endeavor that skirt-chasing, a hobby he had enjoyed since boyhood.а He spent

much of the next few months completely unconscious, waking only occasionally

to pop down to the pub for a pint or two before breakfast.

Nick Mason, meanwhile, attempted to drive a ridiculously-small race car

across Europe.а By October he had reached the Netherlands, but when the

weather turned chilly he realized that he had forgotten his favorite

mittens, the ones with the penguins stitched on the back, and he gave up.

Tired of England and its tax laws (which had become terribly oppressive

since the Floyd had been bumped up to the "unreasonably wealthy" bracket),

Mason opted to take up residence in Rotterdam, where he spent his days

watching the locals hunt for hedgehogs to sodomize.а "Odd lot, those

Dutch,"а Mason was noted to remark on more than one occasion.

Rick Wright and Roger Waters, looking for an appropriate follow-up to the

success of "Dank Side", began working on a album called "Garden Tools", in

which various hedge clippers, gas-powered tillers, and rakes were used

instead of actual instruments.а Waters, however, lacked Wright's

overwhelming enthusiasm for the project, and work was abandoned after a few

days.а Waters then summoned the other members to rehearsals, at which he

unveiled a bevy of new material.а With titles ranging from "Gibbering and

Flailing" and "Straightjacket Blues" to "Off Me Rocker", Waters' new songs

dealt with insanity in all its forms.

The band toured France and Britain with the new material, the highlight

being Waters' 20-minute opus "Shine On You Crazy Floor Wax".а On more than

one occasion the only Floyd to show up was a besotted David Gilmour, who

more often than not would simply pass out on his guitar.а The result was an

loud wail of feedback that would go on uninterrupted for hours until Gilmour

vomited, thus shorting out the equipment and ending the performance.а Still,

critics saw this as an improvement over previous tours, and audiences turned

out in droves to hear what the New Musical Express called "a scream of rage

against society's ills, or something.а A bloody loud noise, anyway."

In 1975 the band recorded some of this new material, including "Shine On",

which was split into two sections, and a new song called "Wish You Had

Beer," which gave the album its title.а Long-time Floyd cover designer,

South Carolina senator Strom Thorgerson, notes that the album's packaging

caused a bit of controversy when the Floyd insisted that the record's jacket

be hidden under a plain brown wrapper, with a 40-ounce bottle of cheap malt

liquor attached.

One unforgettable episode occurred during the final mixing of the album,

when a long-forgotten Syd Barrett showed up at the studio, wearing his 1968

stage costume and carrying a bucket of chicken wings.а "Good morning, gents!

Sorry I'm so late... some things never change, eh?"

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 10:а THIRD WORLD AND A FIFTH OF BOURBON

--------------------------------------------------

By 1976 the band was under the complete control of Roger Waters, who was

becoming increasingly obsessed with global domination through poultry and

pork-bellies.а He planned a massive tour of Third World countries, and

kicked it off in Borneo, where the Floyd had gained some measure of

popularity by association withа "La Vallee", which was widely used as a cure

for insomnia, especially among auto mechanics and pharmaceutical salesmen.

For this tour the band revived a few of their old favorites, and included

some of their new songs, some of which wouldn't be played again for another

10 years.а Syd Barrett, who had been watering Ricks garden over the past

year was also present.а Fearing he was on the verge of being replaced, David

Gilmour disparaged the tour from the outset, saying, "Those fucking pygmies

wouldn't know their ass from a pig stable, so if we drag a Pepto-crazed

loony on stage they'll probably think it's part of the show anyway.а Say,

that recorder isn't running, is it?''

Reviews in the Borneo Times (14mar76) say that the setlist included such

Floyd standards as "Astrology Domino" and "One of These Days", a 21-minute

long "Wish You Were Beer", and a new track called "3 Different Pigs on the

Wing".а The encore on at least one occasion was a record-breaking "Matilda

Mother," featuring a 27-minute feedback solo as Gilmour argued with

thenative waiter about the contents of a scotch-and-soda ("I said,

scotch-and-SODA!!а No, coconut juice will NOT do just as well!а Bloody

hell!") and Barrett tried frantically to open a package of Rolaids.

From the start, however, the tour was plagued by a variety of technical

problems, beginning with the fact that the "Mud Hut Arena" was not merely a

fancy name dreamed up by nostalgia-minded tourist agencies, but was in fact

a rather apt description of a 10x10 pool of mud without any form

of electricty for miles.а More problems occurred when the band realized that

the natives' previous experience with pyrotechnics was limited to the time

Auntie Grooga went on a binge and caught her grass skirt on fire.

During the first show at the Borneo Hilton, a few wags in the audience were

playing with some newly-discovered fireworks.а Roger Waters became

increasingly disgusted with the disurbance, and stopped the show to

reprimand the offenders, who were terribly embarrassed and responded by

lighting Roger's pants, thus leading to an intriguing bit of on-stage banter:

аааа "Fuck, me trousers are on fire!а Quick, Dave, piss on me."

аааа "No chance.а Burn, you beady-eyed bastard!"

Waters' eventually doused the flames with his own spittle, and Nick Mason

summed up the entire episode, saying, "It's a good thing it started to rain.

I prefer my bass players without the crust."

The next show in the Mud Hut Arena featured a lengthy improvised acoustic

version ofа "Careful With That Axe, Eunice", where Roger, in an inspired act

of showmanship, chased Dave Gilmour around the mud pit with a real axe

shouting "Piss on this, you bastard!" while Syd Barrett gave an

awe-inspiring 24-hour acapella version of "Scarecrow" by standing in a field

where barley refused to grow and waving his hands in the air.

After this further shows were cancelled for 3 weeks while Steve O Rourke

desparately tried to find a voodoo doctor. The rest of the shows were given

from the Borneo International Airport hospital, with Baron Samedy doing

guest vocals on "Take Up Thy Mojo Stick and Walk" and a certain Snowy White

playing the guitars.а Rick Wright recalls:

ааааааа "[Snort] haaahhhhhhh ... ehm, yeah well, basically we needed a white

geezer who could hold a guitar with the right side up, and look like he knew

what he was doing. I mean, those shorties hardly know a whitey from a snow

man and ... ehm .. did someone said snow? [snort....] hah ..... so we

figured we could fool those dipshits easily.а The last 2 shows, we just

used a bunch of cardboard cutouts from the gladiator movie that was playing

in the cinema, and played a tape of Nick's mechanic trying to start his car

and... Say, that recorder isn't running, is it?''

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 11:а PORK RINDS AND SHEEP DIP

--------------------------------------------------

1977 brought "Animal Crackers" the Floyd's next opus.а Originally called

"Swine Lake" (and featuring songs entitled "Hogs", "3 Different Pigs on the

Wing", and "Swine"), the album came under fire from the American Pork

Association, who felt that the 'other white meat' was being portrayed rather

unfairly.а Buckling under pressure from the powerful agricultural

consortium, Waters reworked the albums lyrics, choosing to describe

different kinds of people by the dogs they reminded him of.

Waters recalls: "You see, I got the idea from this old cartoon I saw on the

telly.а It wasn't all that good, actually.а Bollocks, mostly.а I much

preferred the pig angle, but you know, you have to keep the public happy.

And I figured, what the hell?а I mean, it's only a rock and roll record.

But I'll tell you one thing; when the great economic collapse happens, those

APA bastards are really going to take it up the ass, if I have any say in

the matter."

Waters further estranged audiences on the subsequent tour, on which he

arranged for an enormous inflatable pig to hover between between the

audience and the stage, thus blocking the view for everyone past the first

few rows.а And lest these lucky few feel that their hero wasn't treating

them badly enough, he arranged for roadies to come out and spit upon the

hapless fans during the performances.а Waters also angered his bandmates by

shouting out their wives' shoe sizes during each and every show.

It was late in the tour that Jonathan Snottyguywhohatesrockstars wrote for

the aptly titled Mechanics Illustrated Magazine that the Floyd had finally

overcome their age-old inability to show up on time for a gig, but that

their sound now had become "not unlike the sort of garbage one hears oozing

out of the public address systems in malls, that Muzak tripe.а Pink Floyd

have finally turned their back on... their faithful following and have

become pure sap.а I'd offer the opinion they ought to erect a mall on stage

to more appropriately accomodate their musical direction."

As it turns out, Roger Waters was thinking along those lines as well.

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 12:а ANOTHER CHICK IN THE MALL, PART ONE

--------------------------------------------------

Following the "Animal Crackers" tour, Roger Waters set out to write the

ultimate concept album, one with which he could alienate the group's few

remaining die-hard fans.а During this time, David Gilmour released his first

solo album, which is remembered largely for its imaginative title.а Rick

Wright, also freed from Waters' dominating attitude, was able to explore the

agricultural themes so near to his heart on a concept album called "Weed

Dream".а This stand-out single was a pleasant ditty entitled "Hoes, Hoes"

and in typical Floyd fashion it rose to #812 on the charts, thus earning the

coveted Aluminum Record Award.

Perhaps the beginning of the building of Roger's Mall could be traced back

to an unpleasant event in 1977, in Montreal, at the end of the In The Flush

tour.а Roger had been less than thrilled with the ceaseless sound of cash

registers emanating from the thrashing legion of fans who were rabidly

purchasing official Pink Floyd merchandise including t-shirts, tour guides,

hats, panties, partly eaten eskimo pies, umbrellas, handy all-leather

carrying pouches, and mugs bearing the legend "My grandfather saw Pink Floyd

back in 1967 and all I got was this lousy brain damage."

"I could hardly stand it anymore," Roger later quipped to Rolling Stone. "I

mean, here we were trying to play a song and I could hardly hear myself over

the jingling coins, ringing cash registers, and snapping credit cards.а I

lost all control."

It was during a particularly listless rendition of one of the tracks from

"Animal Crackers" that Roger set his sites on a hapless young fan in the

front row.а The bass player used his rock god status to incite the young,

screaming fan to near hysterics, drawing him closer and closer until Roger

could no longer hold back.а The fan found himself face-to-face with his

idol, drunken with the sounds and sights and the atmosphere, and totally

unaware of the outrage about to happen to him, the utter fury his

rock-n-roll god was about to unleash on him.

"I still can't believe I did what I did," Roger said, relucatantly.а "I drew

back, paused for a moment, and thoughtlessly... *glared* at him.а Christ, I

don't know what got into me.а I just became overwhelmed with it all.а I wish

I could take back that glare, but it happened and it did its damage and I

have to live with it.а I was in a rage, and acting like a complete fucking

animal."

Most of the fans barely noticed, however.а It was obvious that they were

taken with Roger's unique singing style which involved spewing copious

amounts of saliva, Gallagher-like, on the front row of the audience with the

singing of any "s".а This had more than once earned Roger the unenviable

nickname "Daffy Duck" from his many critics.

While Roger is quick to cite the Montreal glaring incident as the main

motivating factor pushing The Mall to its final completion, it is only on

rare occassion that he discusses the other, more personal reason for his

magnum opus.

"It's true, yes.а My father died at the Anzio Mall, yes.а I can't ever

express the outrage that I feel about this.а As a boy--and I put this into

the film--I ran across some of his credit cards in my mum's dresser.а I

can't say what this did to me.а It felt so fucking awful.а I mean, we'll

never know what he was buying or anything.а The government never turned over

his receipts.а It was a bunch of bollocks, if you ask me."

It is this incident that drove Roger to write "When the Cashiers Broke Free"

which sets the scene for the untimely demise of George Fletcher Waters and

adds yet another layer to Roger's hatred of malls in general.

ааааааа "It was just before dawn

ааааааа One miserable morning 'bout 6:44

ааааааа When two teenage girls were standing out front

ааааааа Of a mall's department store.

ааааааа They knocked on the doors

ааааааа Said, "Hurry and open it up."

ааааааа But the cashiers inside, only looked out and cried,

ааааааа "Go away, you psycho sluts."

ааааааа Then kind old manager George

ааааааа Came to the door when he heard these ignorant twits...."

:

These are the words that greet the viewer of the film early on in "Pink Floyd

The Mall," and it's far less confusing than the live show, which starts off

with a surrogate band.а Nick Mason explains.

"Well, we were falling into our old routine of showing up late for the shows

so Roger decided to set up these chaps with pictures of us glued to their

faces.а Later, once we finally showed, we could actually sneak on stage and

take over.а It worked beautifully.а And with most of the audience blasted

off their bums with Pepto Bismol, it was hardly detected."

Roger had presented the Mall concept to his fellow bandmates along with

another completed work, "The Pros and Cons of Bitch Slapping" (which would

later become the basis for "The Pros and Cons of Ditch Digging.")а Gilmour

and Mason both decided that the work was far too personal and opted for The

Mall.

"Not that I didn't have misgivings about The Mall with lines like 'should we

drive a more powerful car.'а It seemed to me that Roger was mocking the very

scene we came from, our auto mechanic roots.а It seemed wrong, but more

promising that the other bit he brought in."

And so work had begun at Super Bug studios seemingly without a hitch.

However, it was the recording of The Mall that saw the departure of Rick

Wright from the inner sanctum of the band.а By all accounts, his gardening

obsession had finally taken the forefronts of his personal life and

professional life and this created an insurmountable rift between Roger and

Rick.а Bob Ezrin was even called in to attempt a mitigation between the two,

but, as Ezrin puts it, "Rick was beyond help by then--a real goner.а He was

bringing all sorts of strange gardening equipment to the studio, and he

constantly reeked of fertilizer and soil.а He was always talking about

Martha Stewart too.а We even caught him fucking weeding his piano at one

point and that was the end of it.а Roger told him to finish the watering the

hedges and get out."

Rick concedes that he was indeed in the wrong.а "Yeah, it's daft in

retrospect, but I admit now that I had a real weed problem.а I had to leave

the band or run the risk of planting the seeds of distrust.а Hostilities had

already sprouted and bloomed.а I was hopeless.а I had to make like a tree

and leaf, you know."а When asked how he overcame his weed problem, he tells

of his miraculous cure involving enormous amounts of Peruvian cocaine.

If recording the album was difficult, it was only because Roger himself made

it so.а Personality traits, such as spitting when he sang, only hampered the

progress of the album's creation, and Roger was loathe at times to rectify it.

"We needed to put up great nets and sheets of tarpaulin between Roger and

the microphone to catch all that spittle.а We even wrapped Roger's head in

large bits of canvas too," said Bob Ezrin.а "Really it was quite disgusting,

so that's when Dave Gilmour and myself went about rewriting the bits that

had "s"'s or "th"'s in them.а When we brought the suggestion to Roger, he

recommended that we all go to his favorite Italian restaurant 'La Ristorante

Egoiste' so we could discuss it."

According to those who were there, it was a bad scene.а Gilmour had decided

on the fettucine alfredo while Roger leaned more toward something with pesto

as he felt the alfredo was too sloppy, the fettucine too loose.а This

initiated a screaming match between the two Floyds which ended with Ezrin

coming between them and striking them both around the faces with linguine.

He feels even now that "had I not done that, a real disaster would have

ensued.а Something like... lasagna with clam sauce."а When asked

about the wine selection for the event, Ezrin shrugs, some fear evident in

his eyes, and declines comment.

For all its potential controversy, The Mall evaded the eyes of conservative

and liberal watchdogs alike.а Ironically, the one incident that marred an

otherwise uneventful album release was a controversy

surrounding the girls who sing background on "Another Chick In The Mall,

Part Two."

The British press had a field day with the item, each trying to outdo the

other for the biggest, most garish headline concerning the scandal. The

Sunday Times shouted, "Pink Floyd Exploit Young Chicks" while the Evening

Standard screamed, "The Floyd Rip Off Innocent Young Women" and the Sun

bellowed "Pink Floyd Holding Nuns Hostage, Demand Nuclear Weapons."

The scandal spread like wildfire through the press when it was uncovered

that the super-wealthy, loud-shirted Floyd had not appropriately compensated

the young, Californian girls who can be heard singing in song's second verse.

Case in point: it was a non-issue altogether.а The Floyd had offered the

girls gift certificates for The Gap in lieu of cash payment.а After

witnessing the outrage of the press, Roger arranged to have the group of

girls given a free copy of the album--that is, one copy for the whole group,

not for each of them.

Despite the controversy, the song did astonishingly well on the charts.

Within seven minutes of its release, it hit the No. 1 spot on the Billboard

chart.а In fact, its popularity ensured that it also occupied the

No. 2 spot and the No. 3 spot, narrowly pushing the Osmonds back to No. 4.

Much to the surprised indifference of the Floyd, the single stayed in the

No's. 1-3 spots for a record-breaking 15 minutes.а Fifteen minutes of fame.

It would later be dubbed the Andy Warhol debacle.

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 13: AN INTERVIEW WITH ROGER WATERS

--------------------------------------------------

The following article and interview, first published in HotRods Monthly in

November 1979, sums up many of Roger's feelings about this powerful and

important work:

Another Chick in the Mall?а Not Bloody Likely.

By Benjamin Withdafloyd

It was a pale, wintery morning, just on the outskirts of London when I

linked up with Roger Waters, consummate artist, lead singer and bass player

for the occassionally defunct rock band Pink Floyd.а Outside Big Bug Studios

in England, the weather is stormy and rain pounds down on the roof.а Inside,

new material for Pink Floyd's forthcoming album The Mall is being committed

to tape.

Occassionally the mood inside the studio matches that of the exterior.

Waters,а slumped over the mixing board with a cigarette burning forgotten in

his mouth, admonishes a conga player after a particularly rough take that he

is not playing "happy" enough.

Many obscenities are exchanged along with several coordinated hand gestures

until Bob Ezrin rushes in to iron out the problem with all the savvy of a

once-great producer.

After a few more equally rough and "unhappy" takes, Waters joyously

announces that he can piece together an acceptable part out of the several

takes on tape and tells the drummer to remove his worthless hide from the

studio.

Then, deeming it acceptable to take a rare break from pounding out the new

material, he sits across from me firing off answers to my questions with the

kind of savvy that comes naturally with being a jerk.

That is doubtless the media perception of this seemingly innocuous,

soft-spoken, introspective, chain-smoking, often lucid fellow who, along

with Syd Barrett, started what would become one of the biggest phenomenons

off all time. They also started Pink Floyd.

HotRods Monthly: So what's The Mall all about?

Roger Waters: Oh... y'know, coping with all the anxieties and pressures of

being a wealthy rock idol.

HM: Kinda Bon Jovi territory then?

RW: Oh, no ... oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... More Debbie

Gibson really.

HM: How so?

RW: Well in the late 60s, in the early days when Syd [Barrett, original lead

vocalist and flake] was our original lead vocalist and flake, we used to get

a lot of mall gigs. Thing was, though, it turned me into an animal. The

malls are just fucking awful, you see. Just awful.

HM: That's what inspired "Animal Crackers" wasn't it?

RW: Yeah, I remember sitting at an Orange Julius, having a drink before a

gig and thinking everybody here is like some type of dog. Y'know? There's a

chihuahua, and there's a collie. That's a miniature terrier peeing on my leg.

HM: How did "Wish You Had Beer" fit in?

RW: That was really a sequel to "Dank Side of the Moon".

HM: Is The Mall a continuation of "Animal Crackers" then?

RW: Well, not a continuation really, so much as just picking up exactly

where the other one left off.

HM: I see. And you receive writing, perfomance and production credits for

everything on The Mall except one line of lyrics creditted to Nick Mason,

the drummer.

RW: Oh, yes, I was absolutely in a fucking rut by the end of writing the

lyrics so he contributed the last line. Really, that's the extent of his

input. That's all he did.

HM: What was the line he contributed?

RW: Oh, I don't remember. I ended up changing it anyway. It was some fucking

rubbish about loving your neighbours or something. (laughs)

HM: (laughs)

RW: Don't laugh at that.

HM: Oh, sorry.

RW: (laughs)

HM: I understand Geraldo Scarfe did the sleeve artwork.

RW: Yes... Christ. I had an absolutely awful time with all that, you know.

It was a nightmare... a real fiasco.

HM: Why?

RW: Well for starters he wanted a credit for it. He actually wanted his name

on the sleeve, and I'm thinking, well, where's *my* name going to go then?

Besides, we're giving him all this room on the cover for his artwork and he

still wants room for his name. I just think there's something unhealthy with

someone that egotistical about his own name.

HM: What did David Gilmour contribute to The Mall?

RW: Oh, some money for lunch and studio time...

HM: I mean, musically.

RW: Oh, bollocks.а David's contribution was just guitar stuff really. That's

absolutely all he did though.а Absolutely nothing else.

HM: What about some of your bass parts?

RW: Oh, that too.а Yes.

HM: And vocals?

RW: Yeah. Oh, did I mention that I have complete control over the catering

on our next tour?

HM: Eh... well, not really, no....

RW: It's in my contract this time.а I'm in control 100%.а What I say goes.

(laughs) (laughs more)

HM: I understand that there was a great deal of friction between you and

Rick Wright?

RW: I NEVER TOUCHED HIM!

HM: I meant animosity... there's been animosity between you two.

RW: Oh yes, I came to the unanimous decision to kick him out of the Floyd.

HM: Why?

RW: Why?а Well, I've never been asked that.а (laughs) (stops)а I guess I

don't understand what the big deal is anyway.а I kicked him out for artistic

differences really.а Nothing more.

HM: Like what kind of artistic differences?

RW: Well, again I guess it goes back to what I said earlier about people

asking for undue credit.а I'm not opposed one bit to giving someone proper

credit on the album sleeve, but Rick... (laughs) I just told him one day

that his keyboard just didn't merit a credit and he bloody flipped!

HM: Not really an "artistic difference," then, is it?

RW: Exactly.а That's what I was trying to tell him.а He refused to recognize

how right I was, so he was asked to leaf... eh, leave!а I told him that we

could always credit him as a stage technician or as a janitor or something

but apparently that just wasn't good enough for him.

HM: So there is no truth to the rumor that he has a weed problem?

RW: Mmm... no, no truth at all.а And, when I say that, I mean it in the

sense that there it is completely true.а So, make of it what you will.

HM: Won't you need his keyboard skills and backing vocals?

RW: Mmm... let me think.а (thinks... laughs... thinks more.)а No.

Definitely not.а We have other guys who do that keyboard thing, you know

where they move their fingers all over the keyboard and makes songs, so we

don't need him.а And since we have the Osmonds singing backup, we don't need

his vocals either.а It's covered.

HM: How's the live show looking?

RW: Oh it's big.а Christ is it huge.

HM: Will it have all the usual Floyd trappings--the flying testicles, the

inflatable bacon strips, the scratchy, grainy, ancient-as-hell films

projected behind you?

RW: Of course, Benjamin, and then some.а Also, we're reconstructing a mall

behind us during the show.

HM: A mall?а With real shops and merchandise even?

RW: Oh yeah.а We're going one step further even.а We'll be hiring and

training employees for the shops during each show.а Then, at the climax,

just before "Outside The Mall," the whole building caves in, killing

everyone in it.

HM: For real?

RW: Sure.а Why not?

HM: Aren't there legal problems with that?

RW: It's clearly written into the employment forms.

HM: What else can we expect to see at The Mall shows?

RW: Oh, drugs and fistfights and naked--

H: No, no... I meant on stage.

RW: Mmm... so did I.а But if you mean what else will be part of the show

itself... we have an inflatable Fred Flinstone this time around that we

bring out during "Wilma's Bone."

HM: Oh.а Is that the beautiful piece that starts with "I've got a little

stone house in Bedrock... I've got a car that runs on my feet...?"

RW: "I've got a real live bird for a typewriter, although I can't read."

Yes, that's the one.

HM: Explain why Fred is such an important theme in The Mall?

RW: I've always seen Fred Flinstone as this metaphor, you know, for the

average guy, trapped by his own ennui, searching desperately wherever he can

to retreat from the world and the anti-life forces that assault him day and

night.а Also, it's simply fascinating from the perspective of a trained

historian such like myself.

HM: Is that why one can hear the word "Flintstone" echoing ad nauseum on

Animal Crackers?

RW: Certainly.а That's it exactly.а Also, Fred just has an enormous nose.а I

can relate to him.а We are like cartoon brothers.

HM: During "Parking Spaces" you have an animated bit where Fred and Wilma

are doing it.

RW: Pardon?

HM: You know, getting it on.

RW: I'm not sure....

HM: Knockin' boots... horizontal bop... hiding the sausage... roll in the

hay... bumping nasties....

RW: OH!а When he's poking her!

HM: Yes. Critics cite that as an example of the sort of excess your band is

guilty of.а How do you respond to that sort of criticism?

RW: I usually shrug and try to ignore it.

HM: How do you just ignore that sort of thing?

RW: By making anonymous death threats via the phone, that sort of thing.

HM: Not really ignoring it, then, is it?

RW: In a sense, yes.

HM: No, not at all.

RW: If that's how you want to see it, you're welcome to your opinion.

HM: I suppose that one of the most excessive moments occurs on the fourth

side of the album with "In The Flush" where your protagonist has turned into

a raving liberal and starts kicking people who are smoking and wearing fur

and who are heterosexual out of the mall.

RW: I see nothing wrong with that.а How excessive is that?а Most malls won't

let you smoke inside as it is.

HM: What about "Walk Like Hell" and "Comfortably Dumb"а "Jung Lust"?а "One

of my Turds"?а "Don't Leave Me Cow"?а I mean, the titles alone seems geared

to getting a reaction, Roger.

RW: Well that's standard ignorance i.e. people who aren't as smart as I am.

HM: I see.а So, Roger.а Even given this sort of excess, what do you see as

the future of Floyd?а What do you see yourself doing ten years from now?

RW: Well, for our future, I forsee Dave leaving the band. He and I will both

produce spectacularly succesful solo albums--much better than anything we

ever produced as Pink Floyd--and then I'll announce that I'm reforming Pink

Floyd without Dave. Dave will sue me for this and tell us "you'll never

fucking make it," but with help from Nick and Rick, I'll make a spectacular

comeback while Dave writes rather pompous solo albums about mute kids who

call Los Angeles radio stations and about how terrible television is.

HM: That's rather specific.

RW: I *like* specific.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 14: ANOTHER CHICK IN THE MALL PART 2

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pink Floyd premiered their live performance of The Mall before a stunned

audience at the Los Angeles Skating Rink where, much to the surprise of

concert-goers, a hockey game was taking place at the same time as the show.

"That was nothing more than bad planning," Nick Mason later stated,

indicating that the shows seemed doomed from that point on.а It wasn't until

the second round of shows that were presented in New York's Nausea Coliseum

that The Mall really seemed to come to life.

"We were really playing wonderfully at that point!" Nick gushes.а "I was

doing great on the drums!а Dave's guitars were brilliant and Roger was

pretending to play the bass like never before.а For once, it seemed like

this bastard was going to fly."

In the midst of such good feelings, an old controversy raised its ugly head.

The Andy Warhol debacle.а Attorneys on behalf of the band filed suit against

the suspiciously effeminate avant-garde artist for $5.5 million in damages.

The suit was quietly dismissed however when it was revealed, much to the

chagrin of the band, that Warhol was in fact dead.

August of 1980 saw the first Mall shows in the UK at Earl's Pub in London

and early the following year, the band were to produce simliar shows in

Westfallehallenmundeisenundweimerundt, Germany.

For the most part, Roger's live vision was well-received.а Most attendees

felt that the show tended to be a bit harsh, especially the part where Roger

glared unabashedly at the entire crowd from atop the Mall while singing "Yo

You!"а One starry-eyed young lady at the Los Angeles show commented that "I

don't know that I needed to see Fred and Wilma doing... you know... I just

felt that was a little unnecessary, that's all.а I sort

of felt like I was watching my parents do it."

If the show had its detractors, it certainly had those who sung it praises

as well.а "It was really loud," an unidentified teen boy said.а "And I like

loud.а Their shirts too.а Very loud.а I mean, my ears bled it

was so loud, and the sound quality... oh!а To die for!"

But it wasn't until July of 1982 that the world would see the final shop in

Roger's mall which would come in the form of the premiere of Pink Floyd The

Mall, the Alan Porker film.а Shown for the first time at the

Empire Theatre in Leicester Square in London, the film would draw

celebrities from all corners of the world: Mick Jagger, Jerry Lewis, Sheri

Lewis, Lambchop, Prince, Phyllis Diller, David Copperfield, Yoko Ono,

Leopold "Buzz" Galtieri, Gary Coleman, that guy who played Capt. Stubbing on

the Love Boat, Sigfried and Roy, Twiggy, and many others.

Geraldo Scarfe recalls the making of the film.а "It was awful.а Christ, it

was terrible.а Alan would ramble on and on about how this wasn't quite

right, and Roger would be talking and spitting at the same time, and Bob

Geldof was calling us all fascists and hypocrites!а I mean, I can only take

so much."

The stress Scarfe felt was augmented by a shocking turn of events.а He

explains: "I invented the Hamburger Guard, you know, these thugs who help

Pink out and whose symbol is two marching pickles.а Well, one day I come to

the set and I find everyone's gone off and gotten jobs at McDonalds.а I

mean, for fuck's sake, this is all about *not* working at places like that,

fast-food and malls and all American garbage--that's what that is.а I think

my worst nightmares were coming true."

The tempers on the set nearly became violent at times, and Alan Porker

convinced Roger to show up for the first day of filming promptly at 8 a.m.

Of course, true to form, Roger was late--10 weeks late, to be exact.а This

gave Porker the time he needed to complete filming.

Bob Geldof, who Porker felt was perfect for the role, was at first reluctant

to portray Pink, and it had less to do with his Irish roots than some might

expect.а "I felt it was a buncha boolshit.а I really did, and I canna say I

liked it thet much.а I thought it all just a buncha fascist, pseudo-liberal

hoo-ha, exactly the sort o' thing I'd expect from a buncha fat, wealthy

bastards like Pink Floyd.а Greedy, fat, hording bastards anyway!"а When

pressed why he finally relented and took the role, he explains, "The money

was good.а I liked the money.а Money getcha stuff y' canna normally have,

eh?а Like pudding.а I like pudding a lot. аAnd blue diamonds.а Like them

too.а And green clovers, and yellow stars.а That's 'bout all I can say.а Now

fook off!"

Roger has a different take on the whole experience.а "Oh, it was wonderful.

I loved it.а Really.а After the lobotomy, wonderful.а I'm all better now.

Honest."

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 15:а THE FLETCHER MEMORIAL SMOKERS' LOUNGE

--------------------------------------------------

In 1982, Argentina's military dictator, Leopold "Buzz" Galtieri, took a

rather strong dislike to the Falkland Islands. In fact, Galtieri's wife had

recently convinced him to quit smoking. Nicotine withdrawls were turning

Galtieri--usually a gentle, jolly man who loved kittens, puppies and baby

ducklings--into a royal prick. And as a result of this uncharacteristic

mood, Galtieri decided to invade the Falklands.

This rather upset Roger Waters, who had some deep-seated affection for

barren, rocky islands with nothing on it but three farmers and one

malnourished cow.а It upset him enough to write an entire concept album

about the negative effects of quitting smoking.

"When we started out, it was to consist of the bits we took out of _Dank

Side_, which had been reject for _Wish You Had Beer_, which had been

rejected again for _Animal Crackers_, and which they had refused to do for

_The Mall_," said Waters in an interview with his dear friends at _Q_

magazine.а "But they were good bits.а Incredibly good. I didn't want Gilmour

or Mason to get any credit for those great pieces, so I decided to save them

for a solo album. Instead, I just sat down for 15 minute and churned out

some bollocks about smoking, and called it _Final Butt_."

At this point, the band decided to reinstate the "The" in their name. They

would be known as Pink THE Floyd. What gave them this idea?а "I was really

drunk at the time," explained Roger.

Recording _Final Butt_ became a nightmare. David Gilmour described the

routine which happened every day:

"Roger would show up at the studio about eleven," said Gilmour. "I would

meet him at the door, where Roger would immediately wollop me hard in the

stomach. He would kick me around a bit, and generally knock the living shit

out of me. Then we would sit down for a spot of tea. Afterwards, Roger would

twist my ear until I cried. Then we would enter the studio record for a half

hour. While I was in the middle of a guitar solo, off in that dreamy

guitar-solo world, Roger would sneak up behind me and punch me hard in the

kidneys. I'd fall the the ground crying like a baby.

"At this point, Nick would usually come to my defense. Nick would stand up

behind his drum kit and say, 'Alright Rog...' but Roger would just walk up

to him and push him over backwards. Nick would fall into his drum kit, and

Roger would proceed to beat the breath out of him, and finalize the beating

with a kick in the groin. Then we'd record for another half hour before

Roger would mutter, 'oh, fuck all this,' and walk out of the studio."

But was it really as bad as Gilmour describes?

"It was a very happy period," says Roger. "David would greet me at the door,

and I'd meet him with a warm embrace, laughing. We have a spot of tea and

chat away the morning. Come noon, we would start recording. Dave's

suggestions were impeccable, and always welcomed. And Nick, well, no matter

how complex the rhythms became, he was always right on top of it. After

recording, we would spend the late afternoon petting kittens, puppies and

baby ducklings and frolicking in a sunny field of flowers." Roger paused to

add, "My only regret was that Rick Wright wasn't present."

And where was Rick?

"SHHHHHHHHNNNNNNOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRTT," admits Wright, pausing to wipe his

nose and sniffle.

One of the most difficult moments in the recording of _Final Butt_ came

while recording a short instrumental which opens the second side of the

album. Roger Waters had written a piece titled, "Get Your Filthy Hands Off

My Dessert" This upset Nick Mason deeply. Nick insisted that it should be

changed to "Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Dessert Without Any Crust." In the

end, Mason walked out of the recording session, and an old friend from

Borneo stepped in to play drums on the track.

аааа Interviewer: "So, what do you remember of the sessions for The Final

ааааааааа Butt?"

аааа Translator: "Ngaria no n-tickn arahna gorio De Finalio Marlboro?"

аааа Ngai Mak Nono: "Fuck off."

Waters himself was apparently not a good bassist at all. "I never cared

about playing my instrument," said Waters. "I play with my instrument in

private sometimes, but I've never been very good at it. I never felt I was

good enough to do it in front of an audience. I just don't find it exciting

to play with my instrument. I'd rather leave my instrument in someone else's

hands. So I always let David handle my instrument." And that was how Gilmour

would up playing Bass on all the tracks on _Final Butt._

"I only like three tracks on _Final Butt_," said Gilmour later. "The three

that I played guitar solos on. The rest of it is not really to my taste. In

fact, every time I hear the album, I get an intense fit of dry retching."

At the time the album was printed, it was to be titled _Final Butt: A

Requiem For A Lump Of Black Goop I Coughed Up On a Visit to Crete_, and was

to be authored by Pink The Floyd. However, by some mistake in the printing

shop, the word "The" was misplaced, and so it became _The Final Butt_ by

Pink Floyd.

Waters was furious. It was the last straw. Waters immediately clobbered two

of the printers with a two-by-four and announced he was leaving the band.

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 16:а SHINE ON YOU LOONY NUT-BIRD

--------------------------------------------------

During 1984, both Roger Waters and David Gilmour released solo albums and

toured.

David Gilmour released, _Buttface_, which featured the dark, slow 18-minute

prog rock opus "Blue Light," consistantly chosen as best song on any solo

album in polls of Pink Floyd fans. He embarked on a world tour which sold

out arenas and ampetheatres globally.а Featuring a 300-piece orchestra, a

100-member choir, eight thousand lights (all blue), an Indian yoga master,

the Ringling Bros. Circus, 150 trained poodles to be shot from

cannons into the audience, and a shark named Bernie, the set consisted of

David coming on stage, saying "Hi," and leaving.а Audience members left not

caring much anyway, seeing as they were blinded by the sheer wattage of

lights, and many smelled like poodle shit.

Roger Waters released his own solo album, "The Pros and Cons of Ditch

Digging".а The concept album describes a series of explicitly pornographic

dreams had by a Welsh ditch digger, who picks up a nude female hitch hiker

and proceeds to practice the entire _Kama Sutra_ on her.

"My wife had just left me," Roger Waters says to explain the erotic subject

matter of the album. "I wasn't getting any."

Waters planned the concept simultaneously as a peep show, porno film & an

album with a "Girls of Wales" sleeve.а Consisting largely of the really good

bits which Roger had been hoardingа for himself since _The Mall_, _Ditch

Digging_ is widely hailed for its riveting melodies and complex musical

diversity. Unfortunately, the lyrics were lousy.

Roger was flat broke at the time he began the album, and so he was forced to

seek out a financial sponsor. And what he found was the American fast food

chain Taco Bell, who agreed to sponsor him, for only a small price.

The first song on the album was "4:30 AM (Apparently They Were Eating

Burritos)." The lyrics opened with:

аааа "We were making a run for the border,

ааааа Looking for something to eat..."

To fill the shoes of David Gilmour, Waters would have to find another guitar

legend, a man of giant stature and intense emotion, a man whose blues licks

were bigger than life: Tiny Tim.а "His ukelele solo in 'Go Fission' always

makes me cry," admits Waters.а Conveniently, Tiny Tim was also able to sing

in place of Waters' female backup singers, who were prompty laid off.

Rolling Stone critic said Kurt Loader called the album "a horrid mess.а I

don't know what kind of crap Waters could have been smoking when he wrote

this drivel, but it couldn't have been the good stuff.а I mean, where did he

get this stuff about the leprechaun on side 2?а Three and a half stars,"

while Andy Rooney said, "'Ditch-Digging' kicks ass!а I loved it-- and I hate

everything!"

In 1986, Waters recorded 20 minutes of music for the animated film "And The

Cradle Will Rock." The film described how David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen

somehow survive a nuclear holocaust. (One poignant moment from the

film haunts many viewers: when David Lee Roth cries, "Eddie... my hair is

falling out!")

Waters assumed that after the "The" debacle of _Final Butt_ and his

subsequent departure, that Pink Floyd was dead. But in 1986, Pink Floyd

issued a press statement saying that they would be reforming and calling

themselves "The Osmonds."

Richard Wright heard the news and immediately rejoined Mason and Waters. "I

was really excited," Wright said. "I've always wanted to perform 'One Bad

Apple'."

Waters' lawyers promptly issued a legal statement: "Roger Waters was the

major songwriter and produced of _Dank Side of the Moon_ and _The Mall_, as

well as the lead spitter and creative force. Waters also happens to have

an aunt whose best friend was named Greta Osmond. Therefore, Waters disputes

the right of Gilmour to organize a band using the name 'Osmond.'а Waters

will not again record or perform with Dave Gilmour and Nick Mason under the

name the Osmonds, though he won't rule out appearing on an album with Donny

and Marie Osmond, should they be inclined to invite him. Waters would also

welcome the opportunity to play bass with the Bee Gees if they would

consider him. And if there are any single females of English Nobility who

like walks on the beaches, karaoke, kittens, puppies, baby ducklings and who

has nice breasts, please contact Roger Waters through his management."

After many lengthy meetings, lawyers were able to agree on a solution:

Gilmour and Waters would fight in a boxing ring, and only a knock-out would

determine the winner. Months of athletic training ensued for both, and

finally the day arrived.

Gilmour and Waters stood at opposite corners of the roped-off ring in Earl's

Court, cheering fans filling the hall. The two bare-chested men glistened

with sweat as they approached each other. The referee stepped aside, and

punches began to fly. Gilmour, driven by the memory of all the times he had

been abused during _Final Butt_, proceeded to beat the living daylights out

of Roger Waters, who soon fell to the mat, trembling and mewling like a

kitten until Gilmour silenced him with a kick to the groin.

The greatest spectacle of the night was when Donny Osmond showed up, and

Gilmour proceded the pound the life out of him as well.

This event did not solve the problem. Waters' lawyers reasserted that the

name 'Osmond' belongs to Roger Waters. The legal hassles frustrated Gilmour

and Mason to no end.а They opted to go into hiding on Dave's houseboat,

which had an unlisted number, and secretly record an album.а Recruiting Bob

"The Fez" Ezrin to produce, calling Rick Wright out of retirement, and

hiring Britain's best and brightest session lawyers, the band went to work.

And, to circumvent the whole "Osmonds" fiasco, they decided to call

themselves "Pink Floyd."

Wright, depressed by the realization that they would not be performing the

song 'One Bad Apple' spent three days moping in his apartment and

repeatedly kicking puppies, poking a Roger Waters voodoo doll given to him

in Borneo, and sniffing & wiping his nose.

Not to be outdone, Roger Waters released "Radio KRAP" in 1986.а Featuring

yet another unbelievably implausible concept, the album tells the story of

Billy (affectionately portrayed by Gary Coleman), a deaf, dumb, blind,

crippled, and hideously-disfigured Welsh boy with amazing telekinetic powers

which allow him to make prank calls to the local LA radio station.а After

teasing the rebel-without-a-clue DJ (portrayed by Jim "Jim" Ladd) for most

of the record, Billy blows up the world, just as the Cubs were on the verge

of winning the pennant. The album came with a 260-page companion book which

was necessary to understand what the hell the album was supposed to be

about. Nobody bought tickets to the concerts, so Roger just went from hall

to hall performing to empty chairs, occasionally cursing and spitting.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 17: A MOMENTARY LAPSE OF CASH FLOW

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that fall, Gilmour, Mason and Wright released the new Pink Floyd

album, _A Momentary Lapse of Gleason: A Requiem For 'The Honeymooners'_.

Waters described the album as, "Incredibly good. A masterpiece. I wish I

could write songs of this calibre."

Slickly produced and packaged, David Gilmour said the album "was in no way

constructed to uphold any particular Pink Floyd image.а Those goons the

studio sent over to 'supervise' the recording were only there to provide

moral support, and in no way influenced the final outcome.а I don't care how

many knee caps they broke.а Er... that recorder isn't running, is it?"

But it was the massive tour which followed which established Pink Floyd 1987

as a commercially viable venture.а Lasting nearly 3 years, and covering more

ground than Orson Welles and Raymond Burr put together, the tour played

every venue large enough to hold the Floyd's massive souvenir stand.а Steve

O'Rourke reportedly spent countless hours in municipal courts trying to get

the band gigs on the lucrative county fair and swap meet circuit.а In some

cases, Mason and Gilmour would dress up as Girl Scouts and sneak into soup

kitchens to give performances and sell cookies.

Yet throughout the tour, Waters' presence was definitely missed.а "We felt

that we had to make up for Roger's absence," said Gilmour. "That's where we

came up with the idea for the spitting machine."

The spitting machine--known to Floyd fans as "Mr. Spit"--was something like

a giant tennis ball pitching machine. Driven by newly-perfected VariSpit

technology, Mr. Spit could hawk green loogies into faces of fans at the rate

of 20 spits per minute--even faster than Waters himself. "What bothered me

about the '77 tour was the *inequity* of the spitting," remarked Gilmour.

"Now *everybody* can be spit on at least once during our show."

By now, Floyd was well-known for the inflatable penis and testicles which

would float over the crowd with it's single glowing eye. But the inflatable

penis had been Waters' idea, and his lawyers immediately lay claim to it.

To avoid the legal troubles, and to make it their own, Pink Floyd added a

pig to the testicles.

Although the early shows from the tour included the crashing airplane, it

mysteriously changed to a bed after a few months. Nobody planned it. A bed

would just come flying out of the sky and sail down into the stage where it

would explode in flames. Whose bed was it? Where did it come from?

Apparently, the bed belonged to a deranged brake speclialist who wa

following the band from city to city, trying to kill Gary Wallis, who had a

morbid fear of bedclothes.

In the autumn of 1988, Pink Floyd released a live recording and concert

video of the _Gleason_ tour tiled _The Delicate Shape of Rachel_. The video

consisted of a single two hour close-up shot of Rachel Fury's left breast.

Many people who had never been Floyd fans before rushed out to buy the film.

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 18: THE MALL IN BERLIN

--------------------------------------------------

After the wall dividing East Germany from West Germany was finally

dismantled, Roger Waters saw a chance to revive his ailing career. He agreed

to perform the entire concert of The Mall for one last time, but without

Gilmour, Mason or Wright. Well, for that matter, without Syd as well. But

then Syd hadn't been involved in the original... oh, never mind.

On the night of July 21, 1990 The Mall was performed in Berlin at

Pots'n'damaged Plates. It was a benefit for the Memorex Fund for Disasterous

Concert Performances. Their goal was to raise one U.K. pound for every

person who had ever been spit on or sworn at by Roger Waters. (Although the

concert would raise over 5 million pounds, it would still fall short of that

goal.)

The show opened with the Boyz II Men performing their doo-wap version of "In

The Flush." Fortunately, the sound system gave out for the length of the

song. Liza Minelli joined Roger for "It'd Be Nice." One of the crowning

moments of the night was when the children of Islington Green School were

brought out to perform "Another Chick In The Mall, Part 2." Of course, the

"children" were now in their mid-20s so the impact wasn't quite the same.

Sinead O'Connor performed "Grandpa" and was widely lauded for her

contribution. After the song, Roger Waters could not contain himself. He

threw Sinead to the floor and made wild, passionate love to her.

Barry Manilow performed "Goodbye Popeye" and added an assortment of armpit

noises to the end of the song.а "Parking Spaces" and "Jung Lust" were

performed by Tony Orlando. After this, William Shatner came onto the stage

to perform the "are all these your empty peanut butter jars" speech leading

into "One Of My Turds." Snoop Dog performed "Yo You!" Yngwie Malmstein

presented "Is There Any Putty Out There?"а Morrisey sang "Comfortably Numb"

but had to be dragged off stage when he insisted on singing "Hang Th

Deejay." As an encore, the entire cast performed "The Turd Is Tiny."

But the coup of the event came when Waters released the "Pots'n'damaged

Plates mix" of "Run Like Hell." It leapt to number one on the charts,

remaining there for six years. It seemed people could never get enough of

the Pots'n'damaged Plates remix.

In response, an anonymous artist produced similar "trance" remixes of almost

every Floyd album. The remixes outsold the original Floyd albums

three-to-one. "Why couldn't they have written the songs this way in the

first place?" one fan asked rhetorically. "THIS is what we really wanted to

hear from the Floyd, not that *arty* shit!"

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 19: THE NEXT-TO-LAST CHAPTER

--------------------------------------------------

In 1992, Gilmour and Mason joined their manager Steve O'Rourke for the

automobile race La Carrera Mucho Dangeroso. During the race, O'Rourke and

Gilmour got lost. O'Rourke began pestering Gilmour to stop and ask

directions. Gilmour would have none of this, but O'Rourke continued to

hassle him to stop for directions. Gilmour finally became fed up and ran the

car into a ditch, intentionally busting O'Rourke's leg. Gilmour's only

comment: "*NEVER* tell a man to ask for directions."

"La Carrera Mucho Dangeroso" was filmed and released on video. It featured

music by Pink Floyd which you couldn't really hear because of all the engine

noises and stupid drivers who didn't know fans wanted to hear the music and

not their worthless, annoying comments.

In the same year, Roger Waters released "Amused By Breasts", a solo album

featuring his best vocals to date. Once again, Roger would not touch his own

instrument. He instead put his instrument in the talented hands of Randy

Jackson, James Johnson, John Pierce and John Patitucci. The four men handled

Roger's instrument enthusiastically, and made _Abused to Death_ the climax

of Roger's solo career.

1992 also saw the release of Pink Floyd's _Shinola_, which consisted of nine

CDs full of classic Floyd material. This special boxed set was targeted to

vinyl aficionados. The CDs were mastered directly from scratchy old vinyl

albums purchased for .50 cents at tacky mom-and-pop junk stores. This

preserved that special quality which vinyl collectors love.

Then in 1994, the Gilmour dropped a bombshell by announcing that the group

was going back to the studio to record a new record.а The band started a

huge pre-release hype machine to get the crowds eagerly awaiting the new

release, which read (in part):

ааааааа "We cannot give the name of the album yet, as it will give away the

concept, and because the only working title is "The Adventures of Spanky the

Wonder Chicken".а Some of the greatest names in show business have

cooperated on this album-- er, well, perhaps not the greatest, but most

definitely the longest, such as Nick Loud-Clothes-On-The-Washing-Line-

In-The-Rain, as well as Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-

schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-

von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-

spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-

bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nuernburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-

weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-

auchervon Hautkopft, who actually can be heard in the last 8 seconds of the

album.And there will be a totally interactive multi-media show, with the

audiencesinging along during "WishYou Had Beer", and chanting "FLOYD ROOLZ"

whereappropriate."

When the album finally was released fans around the world were rather

puzzled by the unlisted bonus track at the end of the album, which was

basically 2 people having a conversation on the phone, and which went thusly:

"Is that youа Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-

crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-

thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-

grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-

gutenabend-bitte-ein-nuernburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-weimache-

luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von

Hautkopft?"

"Nein!"

The mystery was somewhat cleared-up when Nick Mason revealed that this was

due to the fact that Steve O' Rourke had put a clause in their contract that

they wouldn't receive a penny unless he (that is Steve, not Nick) got on

the album as well.

The album, entitled "The Taco Bell," was received warmly by critics.

Rolling Stone proclaimed it as the greatest album ever made by any human

being, and they promptly stopped publishing as there was nothing worth

writing about anymore. The New York Times said that "everyone may as well

stop making music, because there will never be another album this good."

Time called it album of the millenium, and said that Gilmour & Co. should be

canonized as saints, so they could be worshipped by throngs of people for

ages to come.

The band was awarded the Nobel Prize for Kick Ass Album.а Instead of reading

a speech, Billy Corgan, who was awarding the band their prizes, simply shot

himself in tribute.

During the Taco Bell tour absolutely nothing spectacular happened.а The band

did not have to cancel any concerts due to bad weather, nor did they revive

any old songs from days long past, nor did any mysterious and secret

messages appear on the screens behind the band, nor was there any secret

prize to be won.

Outraged at the complete and utter lack of mystery, Roger Waters purchased

Guitar World magazine and published an article announicng that Paul was

dead, Tiny Tim was Glenn Close, and that Elvis had buried a huge treasure

behind Ely Cathedral.а The fans, however, knew better than to fall for this

one, and ignored him completely, appreciating the music for what it was,

instead of treating it as a puzzle.а Utterly frustrated with this, Roger

went to France, stormed the Bastille, and proceeded to write an opera about

it. аPink Floyd in turn released a beautifully-packaged live album of the

tour, which was well-received by fans around the world, and which provided

Roger Waters with enough royalty dollars to buy all of Borneo and have it

burned to the ground.

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Chapter 20: AN INTERVIEW WITH DAVID GILMOUR

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A rambling chat about Floyd, Jackie Gleason, and sandwiches.

By Frank "Peppy" Osmond (no relation)

From Auto World Magazine, June 1993 (annual greasy ladies issue!)

AWM: First off, I'd like to ask a question or two about...

DG: Hey, are these your cookies here?

AWM: Er...yes. Did you-?

DG: Want some?а Quite, yes, thank you (begins eating cookies).

AWM: Er, okay.а I was wondering about the last Floyd project: 1987'sа "A

Momentary Lapse of Gleason".а It still puzzles me--why do you have a

fascination with Jackie Gleason?

DG: Well, that's nothing new really.а It just goes back to "One of These

Days."а You know, the full title was actually "One of These Days (Alice,

POW! to the moon)".

AWM: So you're developing your Gleason concept?

DG: No, no, you're putting words in my mouth there.а No, I wouldn't say

developing the concept so much as I would say changing it over time and

exploring it more fully.

AWM: So your concept changes and is explored?

DG: (extremely irritated) No, not at all!а You're putting words into my

mouth again, and what with all these cookies in there, there's barely any

room as it is.а See?а (opens mouth full of cookies.)

AWM: Well, let's switch gears then.а You've said previously that Richard

Wright was forced out of the band by Roger Waters.а Why does Rick play so

little on Lapse of Gleason then?

DG: Well, that's really a product of Roger Waters' years of abuse, you see.

AWM: As in mental and artistic abuse?

DG: No, no, physical abuse.а Occassionally, Rick or Nick or myself would

incite Roger's ire and find ourself being bludgeoned quite efficiently.

AWM: This isn't a matter of public record though, is it?

DG: Well, no but the police have tapes of a 911 call I made where you can

hear Roger carrying on rather loudly in the back.а He's very vicious, you

know, when he's upset.а Behaves rathers badly, I'm afraid.

AWM: So it was a case of battery that forced Richard out of--

DG: (irritated, spitting cookie crumbs)а No!а It's got nothing to do with a

case of batteries.

AWM:а No, I meant it was Roger's abusive behavior that forced Richard out of

the Floyd?

DG: Well, not just that but the chip as well.

AWM: Chip?

DG: Well, yes, Roger surgically implanted a chip in Rick's brain.а That

way, he could control Rick.

AWM: I see.

DG: And that along with the witchcraft and all the evil spells Roger cast on

us as well, it's been quite the ordeal, really.а One must walk some time in

our shoes to fully appreciate it.

AWM: You've played guitar in the Floyd now for--

DG: (extraordinarily irritated) No, you're putting words into my mouth again!

AWM: Well, let me finish.а Notа only do you play guitar, but you also play

Roger's bass on a few tracks.

DG: Well, one could interpret it that way, I suppose, but only

occassionally.а Only seldom did this happen.а And only when studio demands

made it necessary.

AWM: How often was that, then?

DG: Well, basically, a ballpark estimate would be about... er, all of it,

really.

AWM: All of it?а You played all of the bass parts?

DG: Yes. (chuckles)а Quite humorous now that I think about it.

AWM: Well, how did you all jam?а How did Nick Mason develop his drum parts?

DG: Well, he didn't have to.а I played all the drums as well.

AWM: You did?

DG: Yes, keyboards and backup singers too.а You know, the whole lot of them.

They're all me.

AWM: So you've never actually worked with other musicians?

DG: Well, the occassional guest musician.

AWM: Like Clare Tory on Great Gimp in the Sky?

DG: Er, well, yes, but she came into the studio that day not feeling well

so I sang her part for her.

AWM: What about Dick Perry?

DG: That was me.

AWM: Roy Harper?

DG: Me.

AWM: And I suppose it doesn't need to be said that it was you who conducted

all of the orchestral parts on the Floyd albums.

DG: Oh, no, don't be silly.а Me conducting? Actually, I didn't need to

conduct as I played all of the instruments in the orchestra myself.

AWM: Now, how can you claim that you don't jam with other musicians when

you've been in other bands?

DG:а Well, I've *been* other bands.а That's a more accurate way to put it.

AWM: You've been other bands?а Such as...?

DG: Well... Arcadia, Kate Bush, Dream Academy, Madonna....

AWM: *You* are Madonna?

DG: Yes.а Frightfully awkward getting into those cone-boobs, but it does

tend to help one's stage presentation enormously.а That's something I

learned when I was Grace Jones.

AWM: I'll bet being all these bands makes for a busy schedule.

DG: It does tend to eat up one's free time a bit... speaking of which, I'm a

bit hungry... but yes anyway, thankfully we have the help of computers to

manage my time.

AWM: Okay, since you brought the subject up, do you know anything about this

Publius Enigma character on the Internet?

DG: Well, that matters what you mean by that actually.

AWM: Well, I mean do you know anything about Publius?а Are you involved

with it?

DG: (clears throat)а If by "involved" I am to understand that you mean that

I've been anonymously posting cryptic messages that claim to lead to clues

hidden in our latest album "The Taco Bell" and encourage fans to scour

lyrics and artwork to unearth a fantastic hidden prize, then no... I'm not

involved.а In fact, I know very little about all of that.а I'm barely even

sure what that's all about, really.

AWM:а Some fans claims that--

DG:а Oh bugger the fans!а Look, would you like a sandwich? (pulls two

sandwiches from his pocket)

AWM: No.а No, thanks.

DG: Oh, good.а Two for me, none for you!а (laughs)

AWM: By the way, how do you get on with Roger Waters nowadays?а Are you

still talking?

DG:а Yes, we're still talking... just not to each other.

AWM: Do you ever wish to speak to him?

DG: Mmm... hard to say really.

AWM: Would you like me to put some words in your mouth then?

DG: No, no... it's just... I'm not so sure what you mean.

AWM: Well do you bear him a grudge?

DG: Well, if by grudge you mean an all-consuming hate that burns in me day

and night and greets me each morning in the form of a renewed desire to see

Roger go to his death screaming and tormented and crushed to a bloody pulp

and his soul to be burned away in the deepest foulest pit in hell, well then

no.а Of course not.а No grudge here.а I can't speak for him, of course, but

no grudge here whatsoever.

AWM: What about the new song on "The Taco Bell" entitled "Eat Shit and Die

Roger Waters You Egomaniacal Bastard"?а I mean, fans are bound to-

DG: (rolls eyes) I knew when I wrote that that people would interpret that

as a reference to him.а It's really not at all.а After I wrote that Nick

pointed out that people are apt to see it as an attack on Roger.а So one

tends to be very uncertain about these kind of things.а One tends to go in

circles.а It's very difficult but one must do whatever it is that feels

right.а But it's not about him.а Absolutely not.

AWM: But it has his name in it and lyrics like "I hope you get a searing

case of genital warts/It's my band now, you wash-out/You sucked at Pompeii

you self-righteous shit/I wish you *weren't* here, ever again."а Don't you

think it's a resonable assumption-?

DG: No, absolutely not.а It's a coincidence.а I'm sure there are hundreds of

guys named Roger Waters.а I just pulled that name out of thin air.а It's

just a metaphor.а Nothing else.а It could refer to just about *anybody*.

AWM: All right.а What would you say signalled the end of the Floyd

partnership of Waters/Gilmore?

DG: You spelled my name wrong.

AWM: Oh... okay.а What signalled the end of the Floyd partnership of

Waters/Gimour then?

DG: Well, it was during the making of "The Final Butt".а You know, we were

all sitting around having pie without crust and Roger wanted to do a track

called "Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Dessert."а Except he wanted to make it

a dessert *with* crust, which Nick and I thought was daft so we protested

and Roger struck us about the head and gonads repeatedly until we just gave

in.а In any case, I think crust is just filler and I refused to have a part

in any album with that much filler, so I asked to have my name removed from

the production credits.

AWM: So it was really just Roger Waters' ego then?

DG: Well, hard to pin it on his ego really.а I mean, how could you blame him

for having an ego when he was part of the greatest band that has ever walked

the face of the earth as well as being one of the five most important

writers to come out of post-war England?

AWM: Is that really your opinion?

DG: No, no... dammit (hits head with hand).а No, it's that damn chip in my

head again.а Roger's just tuned in.а Sorry must run.

AWM: Okay, thanks, Dave.

DG: (running away , crazed.) Publius!а Er... no, didn't mean to say that

either.а Goodbye, then.а Do you know if Burger King is still open?а Oh,

nevermind.а Forget it.а Thank you.а Bye.

----------------

EPILOGUE

----------------

That is the absolutely current, largely inaccurate, and not-at-all gay story

of Pink Floyd.а So where are they now?а At the time this volume went to press:

Rick Wright recently released a moderately successful solo album, Broken

Chinese, which sold 15 copies worldwide.а He comments, "Well, I had a fit of

the munchies one evening after meeting my deal... er, I mean business

associate, and so I called up this Chinese restaurant and ordered some

broccoli beef. Well, the food finally arrived, and the fortune cookies were

shattered. Oh, god... It was awful.а So I wrote an album about my wife. I

guess that doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? а"

Nick Mason opened the Crustless Cafe, a takeout restaurant in the Old

Brixton Town Hall, and has his own cooking program on BBC 2.

Dave Gilmour married Polly Samson, who was formerly Nick's personal

mechanic.а They adopted 27 children, and Polly is pregant with number 28.

Says Dave, "That Jewish prick Woody Allen and I have a running bet... and I

have nearly have him doubled. Say, that recorder isn't running, is it?"

in 1994 Roger Waters was proclaimed "one of the five greatest egos of

post-war England" by Queen Elizabeth, and later that year he gave up his

music career and went fly fishing.а He was last seen on the muddy banks of

the Mississippi stating "No, that's no alligator, it's just a log.а Many

logs look like alligators, but it's just an optical illusion."

And as for Syd Barrett, the man who started it all, he has completely

recovered from his drug-dependent days, and only occasionally uses Tums

after a excptionally spicy chili-dog.а He currently resides in Cambridge,

where, undaunted by his diabetes-induced blindness, rides his bicycle about

the town, crashing into scholars.

Sometimes, he even dreams the he will soon be well enough to get a job,

show up late for work, and be fired.

We (Mike, Gerhard, Rick, Dave & Patrick) hope you enjoyed "Sucrets." We'd highly encourage you to let us know what you thought! Please drop us a note if you have a moment. Thanks!

HTML version й1997 Dave Ward